Finding Something You're Good At

As we grow up, we all get asked the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" As kids, we often answer: teacher, doctor, firefighter, princess, ballerina, police officer, superhero etc, etc. But then once we hit high school, we realize that this shit is for real and we really need to figure out what we want to be. Some of us have had it figured out since we were five. A firefighter. A doctor. A teacher. Those are accepted jobs, they're traditional. People smile and nod and say "good for you!" when you tell them this is what you want to be. Others have to think long and hard and still don't know what they want to be. And some have picked the most out of the ordinary career. Like say, writing. It's not a sure shot. It never is. Your writing can be crap one day and gold the next. If you're a journalist, you live off story to story, making sure that you get that bit of news first so that you can get paid for writing about it. If you're a novelist, you're living off chapter to chapter with another job in between. It's not easy, and before you get that "big break" it doesn't pay much at all. You can get all the education in the world, but if your writing's crap, no one's gonna pay you for it. So why do we do it? Because we love it.

I've shared my NaNoWriMo experience here before. It's truly one of the best things that I've done in my life because it made me realize how much I really do love writing and it helped me improve so much. So it's obvious that I'm gonna do it again next November. But since then, I've been itching to write. Sure, I do creative writing, I blog here and there, I have my journal but the writer in my wants something more. And I found it. It's called Camp NaNoWriMo. It's the same thing except in April. So I obviously jumped at the chance and registered before I even realized that I had absolutely NOTHING to write 50 000 words about! I stared at my profile, wondering what on earth I had gotten myself into. I couldn't back out now, I'd never forgive myself. So I had to plunge forward and pray that I came up with an idea within the next 25 days or so.

Today I experienced something that I've never felt before. I got an idea. I good, solid idea that I could use for my new novel. I ran it over in my mind a few times, working out the kinks and smoothing out the wrinkles of my new brain wave. It was incredible because every time I went over it, I'd think of something new to add to the plot and it just became more and more interesting. The characters were coming to life in my head; names, appearances and personalities came flying at me. Backstory and social connections flooded my mind. The plot was growing from this little thought into something that I could really use, something that got me excited about writing. The best way to describe what I was feeling at this moment would be if I quoted this amazing man named Alan Alda. He's not only an amazing actor, but an incredible writer. He closed one of his articles with: "...and every writer must feel something like this -- a thrill, a rush of joy, a desire to dance around the room." (the rest of the article can be found at: http://www.alanalda.com/sledgehammer.htm) This is what I felt today. An unmistakable passion for something. Unbelievable pride in myself that I had just thought of this out of nowhere. This joy, that I finally had somewhere to go with this novel. I now had something to write 50 000 words about, something that I didn't have an hour ago.

I want to feel this thrill, this rush of joy, this desire to dance around the room for the rest of my life. I know now, more than anything that my purpose is to write. I'm meant to spend the rest of my life writing. I know that now without a doubt. There's nothing that would ever be able to replace the feeling I get when I write. Whether I write about history, or the weather, real or fiction, short or long, french or english, the thrill, the passion is always there. It's something that I'm good at. Maybe one of the only things that I'm good at. So it's not something that I'm about to give up. No matter how hard it is.

What scares me the most...

I finally figured out what I'm afraid of. And I mean really afraid. Sure I'm afraid of spiders, of failure, of anything else that I've written about. But I've been thinking a lot about my future, about my senior year of high school starting in September, about university after that. And I'm so excited for all of it, like beyond excited. When I talk to everyone else about it, they're all saying that there's a part of them that's scared. Either they don't want to leave their homes, or their parents or whatever. Yet when I think about those things, they don't scare me. I can't wait to leave my house, my mom, my town and go out on my own. I can't wait to make my own mistakes. I can't wait to have to do my own groceries and clean my own dorm and just finally be on my own. Well today I finally figured out what I'm terrified of.

I'm so scared of leaving my best friend. She's not my mom, she's not my boyfriend (if I had one), she's not my sister, but she's the one that I don't wanna leave. I know this might sound weird or whatever, but I can feel myself be a better person when I'm around her. We have like a year and a half left together, then what? I leave (because I can't wait to get the hell outta here.) and I forget about her? NO! Not ever. What do we do? How do we stay best friends? How can I be the best person that I can be without her by my side, because I am that better person when I'm around her. I honestly don't think that we've ever been more than a few days without talking to each other. The longest we've been without seeing each other is a few weeks during the summer. And even then we were on webcam a few times. I mean sure I've lived just fine without her before, but to go on with my life without her? I just can't see it. I know that we both have to do what's best for us, and I know that that means that we'll most likely be separated but I just don't know how to deal with that. She's the one that I run to. When things go wrong, I talk to her about it and they seem ok again. I don't talk to my mom, I don't open up that much to my cousin (who's like my sister), I run to my best friend. She's the only one outside my family who's seen me cry, and even then that doesn't really count because she is family to me. When things get rough - and I know that they will - how am I supposed to get through them without her by my side? When things go good I share them with her. When I have good news, she's the first one to hear about it. She can tell when I'm bursting with excitement just by the look on my face. She knows me as well as I know myself and now I'm expected to live my life without her. So yea, I'm terrified of leaving her. Being alone doesn't scare me...being alone without my best friend does.

I read a quote the other day and it was perfect. It goes:

"Have you ever had someone who was like your soul mate, but in a best friend kind of way?" 

So I guess I finally figured out what scares me the most about growing up. I think that I'm this scared to lose my best friend because people that I love, people that I really care about have this reputation for leaving. They tend to go away. So I formed this habit of not caring anymore, of not letting myself open up, of not getting attached. But that all went out the window in the past year, and I'm just so scared that it's gonna come back and bite me in the ass. I'm scared that life is gonna say "did you forget what happens when you love someone?" I guess that I'm just gonna have to make the best of the times to come and wait and see what happens. But at least now, when someone asks, I can say that there is one thing that scares me about growing up.