Friday, November 16, 2012

Risks of Following Your Dreams

Just a little over half of the month has already passed. I can't believe it. My novel is going great, I really hope I finish it on time, or just finish it at all. But I'm pretty motivated and the more I write it to more I love it. Yet something's holding me back. I know exactly what it is. It's fear. I'm actually scared to finish this novel. I'm terrified to have a stack of papers in front of me as proof of all my hard work. Why? Because it means that now, for the first time, people get to judge me on something that truly matters to me. I'm putting my heart and soul into this novel and what if no one likes it? What if I fall flat on my face? All this hard work, all these words written for nothing. Then on the other hand, what if I finish it and people like it? What am I supposed to do then? Do I write something else? What do I do with my time? Or what if I finish this and I start editing it and realize that I don't like. That it's all crap. Then all my work just goes down the drain. You see achieving your dreams can be a beautiful thing, but it's terrifying. It takes courage, guts, sweat, tears, hard work and so on. You have to give it your all with the risk of failing and ending up with nothing except a broken heart and no pride. You have to deal with people saying "I told you that you couldn't do it.". I'm just scared that I'll fall so hard that I won't be able to get back up and try again. I realized that I'm actually really fragile and I take things at heart. I have had the experience of having someone basically tell me that my writing's crap. What's even worse is that this was a teacher. I had given her a piece of my heart and a piece of my life on paper and she walked all over it and threw it away. It broke me. At first I was just mad and frustrated because it felt as if she didn't get me as a writer. Then I started thinking well what if it's not her, what if it's me? What if my writing actually is crap? In those few seconds that it took for those thoughts to enter my head, they had managed to destroy what little confidence I had. I was sure that I was the problem, that I had gotten this ridiculous grade because I couldn't write (did I mention that all of this is because of a five stanza poem?) and not because I had a stupid teacher. Well that was the end of me. I broke down, I mean like full out emotional meltdown. It was so bad that I actually barely even remember half of the things that I said. What I do remember though was that I was sitting on the bus, beside my best friend and I asked her "If I'm not a writer, then who am I?". I was sure that this was the end of me. I was sure that I was now completely worthless to the world. I was just a waste of space because my poem was "repetitive" and had a few grammar mistakes. I honestly don't remember what she told me, I do remember though that as soon as those words left my mouth, the first tears left my eyes. I couldn't stop them. I was that upset over this. I remember crying almost all the way home. I remember that I thought that my friend had done a good job at making me feel better. By the time she got off the bus I was mad again, which is always better than crying. Later on that night I got an email with a document attached to it. This email brought tears to my eyes. Because it told me that one of the most important people in my life believed in me. I had to go into my room to read it because I had started crying. Here's what it said:


I figured since you’re really upset and down on yourself right now, I would write you this letter to try and lift your spirits. I know I tried to on the bus, but personally I think I could have done a better job. I don’t know why but I find I comfort better through written pieces.
Anyways, I hope you know that you are an amazing writer no matter what that note says. All great writers sometimes have to deal with people not appreciating or understanding their work, it’s just the way life is but in no way does it make them less of a writer. I did a bit of research and I found out that many amazing writers were turned down in their life for their work. For example, Dr Seuss and C.S. Lewis (wrote the Narnia books) but they never gave up on their dreams and I’m glad they didn't cause then my favorite series of books wouldn't exist. I hope that what happened today doesn't make you doubt your dreams because who knows you may write the next best selling series of books. Even The Diary of Anne Frank got rejected by certain editors.
I understand that it can be hard to share with someone who has no meaning to you a piece of your life and a piece of your heart and have them walk all over it like its nothing. But just because that person can’t understand it, doesn't mean that it’s nothing, something made you write what you did and feel how you felt which means it is something.  
I've been thinking about what you said on the bus ‘If I’m not a writer, then who am I?’. If you weren't a writer, you would be Emily, my best friend. You know what? There’s nothing wrong with that because she’s the nicest, loyal, most compassionate person I know. She has a heart of gold for those who are lucky enough to be a part of it. She can make me laugh and is always there for me. She’s the type of person I wish I could be. Also, if my best friend Emily couldn't write, she would still be extremely smart and a musician and funny and beautiful inside out and my guardian angel and I would love her just as much and so would everyone else. It isn't our talents or what we can do that defines us but what we chose to do and how we chose to live when we are in possession of those talents and when we aren't.
Maybe someone didn't understand you’re writing but trust me, in no way does it take away from your talent or who you are. For what it’s worth, I still think that you are in incredible writer, I’m still gonna read your blog and check your twitter every day and wait patiently for your story don’t you ever doubt for one second if you’re a good writer cause you are.
So I hope this letter makes you feel a little better. I’m sorry I couldn't tell you this to your face on the bus, I should have, I knew what I wanted to say but you always think of these things when you’re sitting alone at home.
Love you lots,
This is so important to me, because it brings me to the second point of this post. My best friend's the only one who's ever told me that I could do it, that she believed in me. I've never heard those words from my mom or my grandma. And sometimes it's tiring to just encourage myself and tell myself that I can do it. Because honestly, sometimes I feel like a liar, or a broken record. What if I keep telling myself that I can do it and then I get to the point where I'm realizing my dreams and then I fail. If I do, I've just been lying to myself this whole time. I've always said that no matter how though things get I'll stick with them, I'll stick with going towards my dreams. I'm still scared, terrified even. I think that I'll always doubt myself. I don't know how I'm gonna get through with my dreams, how I'm gonna push through this paralyzing fear. I just know that somewhere deep inside, there's something telling me that it's gonna be ok, eventually. This year I've had my first hit, my first knock down as a writer. I always thought that I would be able to deal with the rejection and I'm so happy that it happened when it did. Because I got knocked down when I had someone to pull me back up. Next time I might not be so lucky. Next time it might harder, it might be easier. I don't know. And that scares me. In order to over come this fear of failing, and of succeeding, I'll share my novel progress with you. So far, I have 45 366 words, 81 pages, and counting. And if you're really interested, here's my link to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/twistoflily in case you'd like to check out my profile etc etc. I even have a little snippet of my novel up. And maybe when this is all over, I'll post my novel here. That's a lot more risky considering that people might actually read it on here and I'm exposing myself to more judgements and criticisms. So we'll just have to see how it all goes.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Challenges

So, it has been a challenging past couple of months. Things are just so different this year than they were last year and it's almost too much change at once. Clearly, change and I are two things that do not go very well together. I hate change, it terrifies me. Anyways, school is just way weird, I don't have any of my favorite teachers, two of them even changed schools, which devastated me. I barely have any lunches with my best friend, there are quite a few classes that I don't have any friends in. On top of all of that, my history class sucks, epicly. I can feel the flame that I worked so hard to burn slowly die, but I won't let it go without a fight, it's not worth it. Just because I don't like what were doing in history this year, doesn't mean that I have to let my passion die. I'll just have to read more books and watch some tv. On the bright side, there's just 10 1/2 months until what I presume will be one of the best years of my life; my senior year. I'm so excited for grade 12 to start that I can't even put it into words. I'm not planning on taking any maths or sciences, just two history classes, a politics class, a sociology/psychology class, writer's craft and of course, english lit. And then, there's my trip to Europe, which will be in march of that year. So I just know that if I can get through this year, one day, one week, one month at a time I'll be ok.

Moving on, I entered a contest type thing the other week and I really felt the need to share it here because I think it'll greatly change me as a writer. I entered NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month.). The task at hand? To write a 50 000 word novel in 30 days! Holy crap, I know. I have no freaking idea how I'm gonna do it. There'll be a lot of late nights, early mornings and classroom disruptions to be able to make this deadline. In all honesty, I'm not looking to win anything, I'm in the for the experience. Because I'm what is known as a procrastinator and that in no way changes when I write. So I'm hoping that by only giving myself a limit of 30 days I'll be able to accomplish so much and use that as a guide for anything and everything that I write, and maybe, just maybe it'll help me get a grip on the procrastination problem that's consistent in my life. I'm super excited to get started on this and I think that the experience is going to be amazing! Wish me luck, and if I have time I will keep updating. If I don't have time, I promise I'll make one huge post about my experience with the link to my story sometime after November 30th.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What a day

I went to see a lady today. Not just any lady, this woman is a card/palm reader. I know some people might think that I just wasted my time and money, but it was actually pretty interesting and I really enjoyed it. So I decided that I'm going to share my experience here, with you.

The first thing she picked up on with my lack of self esteem. She said that I needed to love myself, blah blah blah. Yeah I know that, I'm working on it, it's a process and not a pretty one at that. Then she told me that my father was a jerk (I didn't need anyone to tell me that one) and that he was gonna miss out on a lot (again, I figured that one out.). Apparently I'm having two kids, most likely they're gonna be twins. I cringed. I don't want kids and certainly not twins. She said her accuracy is about 99.5% so I'm hoping that this is the 0.5% that she's wrong. So we'll just have to wait and see what happens. And we'll be waiting about 15 years, because she said that I won't be having them until my 30s, which I'm completely fine with. She also said that I won't get married until about 27 or 28. And that I should live with the first guy I'm thinking about marrying first, because that'll probably change my mind, but the second guy will be the one that I'll marry. I'm gonna meet him through work. She asked me what I was thinking of doing for a career and I told her archaeology and she goes yea that's what I see you going in. So I'm thinking she just said that just because I told her that's what I wanna do, but whatever. However she said that I'm going to travel a lot, which goes hand in hand with archaeology. And that's good because I really do wanna travel. She picked up on the fact that I hate math. And then she asks me:
"you have a favorite teacher?"
"yea"
"it's a male?"
"yes."
"he's the male influence that you need."
Then she found letters in my palm and I figured out who they represented.
A: Aryana, my best friend
E: Ernest, my grandpa
D and P: Denis Piquette, my history/favorite teacher
And the last thing she asked me was if I had someone who died whom I was close to. And I said yes, but a while ago. She said that this person is always around me and protecting me almost like a guardian angel. But I didn't need her to tell me that. She goes "is it your grand father?" I said that no, it was my uncle. *sigh* I love him and miss him so much. It's been 10 years but that doesn't make a difference.

So anyways, that was my interesting day and I really enjoyed it. :)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

...

I just have to say this. I love my family. I love spending time with my aunts and cousins. And I love going to family reunions. With all that being said, I find it's odd that I'm not close to my mom and my grandma. I'm closer to my aunts and cousins in Alberta, and my aunt who lives down the street. I guess it's just one of the ways that life can be funny sometimes. But moving on from all this life shit; these past few weeks have been packed with summer fun.

I've had too much fun and done too many things with my family to name all of them but I'll try to list a few. So let's see.
-I got my hair cut and dyed red
-I partied a lot, but that's just what my family does
-We went to the market and I got a new purse
-I tried to fix my aunt's violin but instead I ended up snapping a few strings, oops.
-I learnt that it's no longer a "brain freeze" according to my aunt it's a "freeze brain"
-I went to my family reunion, which was just amazing and so much fun
-I played lots of volleyball
-I went swimming to the beach once, but I didn't have my bathing suit so I had to go in my clothes
-I watched my uncle teach kids how to back flip off a dock "the Alberta way"
-I learnt how to two-step with my aunt
-I re-twisted my ankle
-and last but not least I had to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye is always the hardest. I hate it. I hated watching my aunts board the plane, and I hated watching the plane take off. I also hated watching one of my aunts cry as she was leaving, that broke my heart. But I know that life goes on and that summer is almost far from over. School is inching closer and closer every day. However I still have a few activities left up my sleeve.

Speaking of activities; the Olympics just ended today. They were amazing, as usual. Canada only won 18 medals though, with just one gold. The USA won like 105 or something like that. Which is just crazy. I'd like to know how they manage that. I guess in the end it doesn't really matter, because every country is proud of their athletes because hello, Olympics, that's a pretty awesome achievement.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Summer Time

I'm officially done my grade 10, I wrote my last exam a few weeks ago. I guess it's a little exciting that summer's here but I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually pretty sad that it's over. I know that everyone's all like omg yay summer's here and they're all excited and don't get me wrong, I love summer and I know that I'm gonna have fun, but I am seriously gonna miss this school year so much it's unbelievable. I had so much fun this year and I had such amazing teachers that I guess it's understandable why I don't really want it to end.

I've actually been so bored so far it's unreal. Sure I hang out with my friends, go to work, go to my music lesson and that's all nice and fun and stuff but I'm just so bored! I feel like I haven't adjusted to being at my house and my body's just waiting for me to go back to school. In a way, I hope that summer goes by fast, but in a way, I don't. Because the faster it goes by the faster junior year comes and I just don't think I want that. I know that next year is in no way going to be even remotely as amazing as this year was, so I kind of don't want it to happen.

I suppose the only thing I can do is enjoy my summer, and I know that there will be things to enjoy. Soon my family will come out from Alberta, I'll get to see all my aunts and uncles and cousins. Then it's gonna be our family reunion, then I get to go down south to see my aunt and my cousin. So when I think about it like that, it's gonna go by fast and I'll have fun, but I think that to matter what happens, I'll always miss this school year because it was just such a blessing to have and I wouldn't change anything that happened this year.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Battle of Vimy Ridge

Today, Monday April 9th 2012 marks the anniversary of the battle on Vimy Ridge in France during the First World War. The battle of Vimy is what a lot of historians say marked Canada as it's own country and not just as a growing nation that belonged to England. It was 95 years ago to the day that the Canadian troops began advancing on Vimy Ridge (Monday April 9th 1917). The attempt to capture the Ridge from the Allied Forces had already failed twice and it was up to the Canadians to prove that we could do what the British and French troops could not. Sir Arthur Currie (our first Canadian commander) as well as Commander General Julian Byng knew that the troops had to advance quickly and flawlessly in order to surprise the Germans at the top of the hill. The later were not only defending the hill but the charcoal mines hidden within it with three rows of trenches at the south of the Ridge. Currie and Byng knew it would be a difficult battle therefore each stage of the assault had been practiced and repeated down to every minor detail by the Canadians. In a matter of hours we had reached the top of the Ridge and within days the Canadians saw a glorious victory in France. But not without a price, there was approximately 3500 Canadian casualties and 7000 injuries.
Today, there's a Vimy Ridge memorial site in France that the public can visit to remember and honor our heroic Canadian past. The monument is located on the highest point of the Ridge overlooking the past battlefield. "The Memorial does more than mark the side of the engagement that Canadians were to remember with more pride than any other operation of the First World War. It stands as a tribute to all who served their country in battle in that four-year struggle and particularly to those who gave their lives." (http://www.veterans.gc.ca/eng/memorials/ww1mem/vimy). At the base the words "To the valor of their countrymen in the Great war and in memory of their sixty thousand dead this monument is raised by the people of Canada." are written in French and English. In the walls of the monuments 11 285 names are carved of soldiers who have died in France (battle of Vimy Ridge, battle of the Somme etc...) during World War One and whose final resting place was then unknown. The monument was designed by a Canadian sculptor and took 11 years to build. 
Among parts of the ceremony held at the Ridge today, Canadian artist Lizzy Hoyt (native from Alberta) preforms her song titled "Vimy Ridge". It's a beautiful song and allows us to see a more personal side of what we've all learnt in history class and read in books. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML5vLA4XLFM&feature=g-hist&context=G2651027AHT4Mm3AAAAA is the link for the music video created for the song as well as the lyrics posted below:
Early in the morning, the cold snow falling down,
Easter of 1917.
My love climbed out from the tunnels underground,
And stepped to no-man’s land in between.
His last night was spent in the ground of the French land;
With thousands of men he did wait.
He laid down his head upon the barrel of his gun,
A dark and cruel symbol of his fate.
Oh, my love can’t touch you now,
Or calm the fear that’s building deep within.
Oh, the terror you must have felt,
Waiting below the hill at Vimy Ridge.
An overpowering thunder from the creeping barrage,
Left no room for thoughts within their minds.
Forty pounds loaded down, the horror lingered on
Imprinted in their memories for all times.
Oh, my love can’t touch you now,
Or calm the fear you’re feeling deep within.
Oh, the terror you must have felt
Fighting on the hill at Vimy Ridge
A hard thump on his chest stopped time in it’s tracks;
His lucky streak had come and now had passed.
Ahead lay the fury; behind a different scene:
A quiet kingdom of death and casualties.
He lay waiting for the stretcher bearer to come.
The cold wind froze the clothes to his body.
Disbelief came over him “This couldn’t really be,
For I am now a young man still with dreams!”
Oh, my love can’t touch you now,
Or calm the fear you’re feeling deep within.
Oh, the terror you must have felt,
Dying on the hill at Vimy Ridge.
Early in the morning, the cold snow falling down,
Easter of 1917.
My love climbed out from the tunnels underground,
And stepped to no-man’s land in between.

War is often something that we have trouble wrapping our heads around. We have trouble imagining what it would be like and why it's so horrible. The concept of thousands and thousands of people dying is often hard to grasp because it's hard to think of it as a reality. That's why I felt it would be a good idea to post these next few paragraphs here, titled "Letter From a Vimy Soldier" to help us imagine what our past lineage had to go through. 

Vimy France,
Friday April 13th 1917,

My dear Evelyn,

I miss you so much my love. Every day and every night you're in my thoughts. You're the one who keeps me alive because there are times that I wish that the Germans would take my life. It seems that being dead would be so much easier than having to live in these terrible war conditions. But seconds later your image enters my mind. I can see your smile, your hair and your eyes. I can almost hear your lovely voice telling me not to lose hope. And then I continue to persevere in the trenches filled with water and mud. It's at moments like these that I remember how much I love you. I regret not having the chance to write you sooner but today I finally had time. I want to tell you something of which I have thought of for weeks. When I get home, I would like for us to marry. I hope you accept. I want to be with you forever and this war will not stop me. We will go chose a ring together. Any one you want, it will be yours. I promise.

I hate to play with your heart even more my beautiful Evelyn, however I have some bad news. You must surely remember Henry, my best friend from our childhood? He died a few days ago. It was a long and painful death. He was so brave my best friend. Filled with courage, he was among the hundreds of us to face the no man's land that night. From my position in the trenches I saw Henry fall to his knees and I heard his cries of pain over the sounds of the shells, machine guns and orders being yelled from either side. He turned and looked at me one final time before he collapsed into the cold mud. His face was filled with fear and pain. That image will stay in my head forever. He kept his life for two days. I could always, always hear him pleading in hope that someone would come help him, hear him yelling my name hoping that I could come help him. Even if the war became horribly loud I could always hear Henry. I imagined him dying in a pool of his own blood. By the morning of the second day I was determined to jump out of the trench infested with rats and flies to at least go try and save my best friend. Another soldier stopped me just in time. As the sun was setting I heard a final cry, then silence. Henry had passed. That night he became just another body out of hundreds. He is in my prayers and I'm sure he will also be in yours. 

The trench conditions have worsened incredibly. In rains so much in April as you know, as well as the snow that's been melting adds to the water and mud that have risen so much that it's difficult to walk. Everything is covered in mud, even the barbed wire. My clothes are heavy with mud and water, there are constantly flies in my field of vision, the earth, the mud, the water and the blood all seem to blend together and my matches are always wet. It's so humid here that several of the men are very sick. I know that eventually I will also be. 

Evelyn you have a heart of gold and I do not wish to break it with this letter but I need someone whom I can talk to. I need someone to whom I can release my feelings. I need someone who loves me and who does not judge me. I need you.

The day after Henry died, I was walking in the trenches and I happened to step on something hard. I kicked it up to the surface. It was a body. A body among hundreds at the beginning of decomposition. However when I saw it, it was as if I saw Henry. If I had been alone I'd of cried for sure, but there were other men with me and I had to keep going while trying to stop the tears. 

Yesterday my twelve days off have begun. They are greatly appreciated after our victory at Vimy Ridge. We won the battle, it was difficult but we won! Every step of the battle had been planned out and practiced numerous times. We reached the top of the ridge in just a few hours. It was a triumphant moment, knowing that all of our efforts had been worth it. The Germans had three rows of trenches with several layers of barbed wire around them. They were protecting their valuable coal mines. We lost 3548 men. It was so difficult to keep fighting when I could see men all around me dying and I couldn't help them. Many of my friends died that day. Sometimes I wonder why it is that I was able to avoid death. Why I can sit here with only a few injuries, only to continue living in this hell when I see men losing arms, legs and lives every day. 

I spend my nights trembling. Whether it is from cold or from terror I do not know. Maybe it's a little of both. It gets more and more difficult to sleep. There isn't a night that we do not hear explosions and once I finally do get a few moments of sleep I dream of Henry, of my friends and of what could happen to me. There are nights that I dream of you my dear. But your face is stained with tears because I never made it home. I wake up in tears, knowing that I must be careful if I ever want to come back to you in one piece. And I want more than anything else to come back to you. 

I think that my conscience is my worst enemy. Every time I kill a German in the no man's land the same thoughts are found in my head. I'm taking an innocent life. A German life it's true, nonetheless I'm sure that he did not want to be here anymore that I want to be. He probably had a girlfriend or a wife, maybe even children. Because of me, he'll never be able to see his children grow up and the children will never know their father. Because of me, the love of his life will spend the rest of her days wondering if their future would've been wonderful. This war causes me not only physical pain, but emotional pain as well. Will we ever stop fighting? It feels like this war will never end.

I can see the terror in the eyes of some of the younger soldiers. It's always there. They're not accustomed to being awoken in the middle of the night by the horrible sounds of war, by the cries of the dead and by the orders barked  by commanders. They're not accustomed to the smell of fire, death, mud and rats or to the fact that the food has no taste. They complain and give a voice to their fears. We, as the ones who have been here longer forgive them for all of this at first. But if they knew that I'm just as afraid as they are. If they knew how terrible afraid that I am, even after being here for more than a year, they'd look at me as less than a man. Sometimes as I'm trying to fall asleep at night I wonder if God sees me as less than a man. It's certain that He knows how scared I am, how tired I am of participating in this war even if it means that I'm honoring my country. I wonder if He hears my prayers because I want so much to have a future with you. I don't want to die here in the cold, in the mud, in my own blood, without you at my side. 

Evelyn, you're always in my heart and one day I will come home to you. I will get out of here. Remember that you are my strength, I could not survive in this hell without you. I hope you know that I love you and that we will see each other again. I hope for that to be soon.

With all my love,
Robert. 

I know that this is a very long post, but I believe that the Vimy Ridge anniversary is something that was worth writing about. It was an event that marked our history as a country, a victorious even that brought us pride despite the numerous lives of brave soldiers that were lost in battle. May they all rest in peace.



Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Traveling

In the past years I've never really given traveling any thought. I was happy here in Canada, I never really wanted to see anything outside of it. The thought of being able to travel to Europe or Asia or even South America had never really occurred to me as a possibility. Until I met this girl at the beginning of the year, who happens to be a little history geek like me. We had like this short term best friendship type thing where for about 3 months she shared everything with me, or at least almost everything. In that everything she had told me that she wanted to travel to Europe. More specifically Germany, France, England, Belgium, Netherlands, I think I'm missing a few but you get the idea. She wanted to go visit all of the historical sights, and that's what caught my attention. I shared with her that it might be neat to be able to go and do all of those things, but that I didn't wanna get my hopes about because it would always be nothing but a dream to me. I would never have the money to be able to afford to go to all of these places and that was that, it was a fate that I had already accepted. Well this girl doesn't take no for an answer. She went and found out that by the time we'll be in grade twelve, so in two years, our school just happens to be going on a trip to Europe. So she got all excited and spent most of the time trying to convince me to go with her because she didn't wanna go alone. I kept telling her that I didn't really wanna go. She kept asking why. I kept saying that it just wasn't something that I was particularly interested in and we just didn't have the money to send me to Europe for 10 days. Well she kept bugging me and bugging me. And the more that we learnt in history class and the more books I read the more I kinda wanted to go and see all of these things, the more I wanted to go to all of these places where history actually happened. I think the thing that really made my mind up was losing my history teacher for a week because he was going to Europe with the trip that had been organised this year. Before he left he showed us pictures of past trips and with every picture that I saw I grew a little more jealous than the last. I wanted to be there so bad. Having to sit in class and knowing that he and a few of my friends were in Rome at the moment, or in London or Paris just drove me nuts. I knew that my mind had been made; I wanted to go to Europe in 2014. I knew that I either needed to give my mom a hell of a lot of time to think it over, or spring it on her in a day or so. As much as the first option would sound like the most logical one, I couldn't, there just wasn't enough time. Spots were filling up fast on that trip and if I wanted mine I needed to say so and soon. Within literally a couple of hours I was signed up for the trip and I'm sure the next day my mom had wondered what she had gotten me into, but it was too late to turn back, I had already made my minimum payment of 99$. On top of all of this, I managed to convince my very best friend to come with me. So here comes the part where I get to be all excited and talk about where I'm gonna go and what I'm gonna see. We're flying over to Berlin and we're staying there for two days. We're seeing things like the Berlin wall, Brandenburg Gate and Reichstag. Then we're going to Amsterdam for two days where we get to see the National Liberation Museum and the Anne Frank House, this is a dream come true for me and I'm not exaggerating. Next we get to tour the Vimy and Ypres regions for another two days, which makes me very excited since I've always had a thing for the battle of Vimy in 1917. Then we're headed to the Normandy region for one day. There we'll be able to tour the d-day beaches, then we travel to Paris! In Paris we get to see l'arc de triomphe, Versailles, as well as the Eiffel Tower! Then we head home. It's going to be an amazing trip and I honestly can't wait to be able to spend it all with my best friend. I know that we're gonna have a blast and I'm so thankful for the opportunity because I know that this is probably the only one I'm gonna have till quite a while after university. I think it's safe to say that it's really gonna be a trip to remember.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Time to Waste

Have you ever broken anything? If not, then consider yourself lucky, if you have, then you know what I'm talking about...kinda. So I didn't exactly break my ankle, I just sprained it really badly. And I'm super pissed off about it. How did I manage to do that? Well, I was walking down the stairs and I didn't think that there were any steps left, but there was so I tripped and fell. The stupid part is that I had just spent my entire day in heels and this happened while I was wearing my boots. This happened on Thursday, it's now Wednesday and it still hurts. So obviously I stayed home from school Friday, which in all honesty broke my heart because we were going to a hockey game in the morning and I had history class in the afternoon. I was really sad about missing that. Saturday was torture, pure hell. I sat around and did nothing all day, people were constantly asking me if I was ok and trying to figure out if I should go to the hospital. I kept insisting that it was just sprained. I honestly do not have time or energy for my ankle to be broken. So to prove my point I started walking on it on Sunday. I went to school on Monday even though my mom told me not to. I just had to be stubborn and go. It hurt but I got through it. I went again yesterday, but the second day is always worse than the first. I got home and my ankle was almost just as swollen as it was on the day that it happened and y entire lower leg was a little swollen too. I didn't tell my mom when she got home from work around 7:30. My grandma however was freaking out and told my mom. My grandma was so sure that it was broken, she's such a pessimist! Anyways, my mom called the hospital and found out that the wait time in the emergency room was between 5 and 6 hours, which is nothing since the average time is between 12 and 14 hours. So at 10 we set out for a sleepless night. I was pissed, I knew that my ankle wasn't broken and I wanted to go to school the next day, I didn't wanna stay up all night just to be told something that I already knew. It was a long night, I was bored and tired and my ankle was swollen and it hurt. I wanted to go home and sleep so that I could go to school the next day. I bitched and snapped at my mom for dragging me to the emergency room and then telling me to try and sleep. Like I could seriously sleep there. We waited for two hours in the general waiting room, then we were lead to the actually hospital part of the hospital to a smaller waiting room. I waited there for another hour before I got to see a doctor, who sent me back to the waiting room to wait to take my x-ray. It was another hour till I actually went and took my x-ray. 15 minutes later we were told that it was just sprained and it's gonna get worse before it gets better. The first thing I told my mom was "I told you so!". I limped out of the hospital at 2:30 and didn't get home until 3. Once again my mom asked me if I wanted to stay home, I said no since I had history today. I had already missed one class because of my stupid ankle I wasn't gonna miss another. However I did want some sleep and asked my mom if she could drive me in time for third period, science. My entire day was off, until I walked into history for sixth period. As soon as I walked in, I knew that being this tired was worth it and that I had made the right choice by coming to school. There's not really a point to this post, nothing meaningful or interesting. I'm just venting out some emotions since I have nothing better to do since I'm not allowed to do anything other than go to school and come home until my ankle heals. Which hopefully is soon because I can't stand to be forced to sit around a do nothing, I rather sit around and do nothing out of my own will.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Inspiration....

Inspiration...it's a funny word, don't you think? The dictionary is telling me that it's an action of an inspired thing, but I think it's much more than that. It has to be, some people build lives off of inspiration. I think it's safe to say that in the past few months I've had a lot of inspiration, from one person in particular. I wish I could say it's from my mom or my dad or my grandma or my older sister (if I even had one), but it's not. Lately, my history teacher has been inspiring me day in and day out. It's crazy, cause I don't even think he knows my name. But since September, he's made such a difference in my life, and I think I should be sharing this with you because, everyone needs to be inspired from someone, right? So first of all, it might just be because I love history, but I'm pushing myself academically harder than I ever have before, and I think it's because of my teacher. I think it's because he expects so much from me, it's pressure that I've never had before. I mean don't get me wrong, I've always done very good in school, but I've never had to try and push myself. I think it's cause I want to be the best in that class, and not only in the class, I wish I could be the best student he's ever had. You know, I want to be that one kid that he'll remember forever, cause I know that he'll be that one teacher that I'll always remember. Looking at where I am now, and where I want my life to go, I think I owe my future to him, I really do. Spending five months watching him teach (that sounds a little creepy, but you know what I mean) has made me realize that I can have a job that I love, and it can be in history. When he teaches, you see his eyes light up, and even though he's not smiling, you just know that he loves what he teaches. It's amazing. The other day, he was telling us, well it started out about university and ended with being happy. It started with some guy being a smart ass and telling him that he's so smart, I'm not saying he's not, cause obviously he is, but anyways, my teacher looks at this guy and goes "If I can do it, you can do it." and that got him started. He told us about how he didn't do all that well in high school, except when he loved a subject, like history, geography, social studies, politics, psychology etc. and had a good teacher then he did great. He goes "guys, when I was in high school, out of the five years that I was there, I was on the honor roll once....in ninth grade." He's telling us how different people have different ways of learning and studying and if we can just find the one that works for us, we could ace everything. He goes "You guys can have a life and still do good in school. You can play your sports, and go to work, and hang out with your friends, and spend time with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and play your video games, and ace your history tests. You just balance all of it. That's what I did, and look at where I am now." and it's true. I'll be quoting him a lot, but it's the easiest way to get my point across. Then another guy in the class goes "Oh my God, you get me!" my teacher looks at him and goes (This is gonna be like a little monologue and I'm not making up any of it, I can promise that) "Yeah! I get you guys. I was there, I know what it's like. I get you guys so much, that one day, I'm gonna write a book. It's gonna be called 'Teenagers' and it'll have all your secrets in it. Like lazyness, it's a disease that goes on in teenagers, you guys are capable of so much, but you're just too lazy to try. Oh and when I retire, I'm gonna be a comedian, can't you guys just see me as a comedian, it'll be great. Anyways, that's my retirement plan, but I'm in no rush, cause I love my job, I really do. I love getting up in the morning and coming to work because every day is a challenge, no day is ever the same. I could have a class filled with students who hate history, and my job, is to make them see why I love it so much. Why it's so much more than just dates and names and numbers and places. Why it is that to understand today, you have to go back into the past." at this point, someone interrupted him to ask a question and he goes "no, hold on, I'm on a roll. The point is, I'm happy. I have a nice house, good money and great vacations, but that would all mean nothing if I didn't love my job. You guys can do the same thing." If there was ever, ever anyone who practiced what they preached, it's this teacher. I have never been so influenced and inspired by someone. Sometimes I'll hear my mom talking, not to my face of course, about how I need to get my head out of the clouds, because there's no money in history, there's no future. I get mad, I get sad, I get frustrated, but then I just think back to everything that my history teacher's taught me, not just about history, but about life, cause he does that a lot, he gives a lot of life advice. And I'm listening to every bit of it. So I just think back to what he said, and I know that if he can do it, I can do it. I can have a job in history that I love and I think that as long as I'm happy that's the only thing that matters. So here some of you might say well that's great, but what about your family, you might be happy, but your kids might be starving. Well I have a simple solution for that....just don't have kids. I have absolutely no plans of getting married and having kids, I don't want to have to live my life for other people. And I can prove that you can be happy no husband, no kids cause guess what, my history teacher doesn't have kids and he's not married. I know that to some people it might look like I'm trying to be him...I'm really not cause there's no way I'd ever have the patience to be a teacher, and the no kids no husband thing's been a long time coming.

All of this to say that if anything, this year I've learnt that it's not stupid to follow my dreams, cause I can be happy by doing something that I love.

P.S. Merci M. Piquette pour m'avoir inspirée et pour m'avoir encouragée à faire ce que j'aime, et merci pour me pousser à faire le mieux que je peux.