What scares me the most...

I finally figured out what I'm afraid of. And I mean really afraid. Sure I'm afraid of spiders, of failure, of anything else that I've written about. But I've been thinking a lot about my future, about my senior year of high school starting in September, about university after that. And I'm so excited for all of it, like beyond excited. When I talk to everyone else about it, they're all saying that there's a part of them that's scared. Either they don't want to leave their homes, or their parents or whatever. Yet when I think about those things, they don't scare me. I can't wait to leave my house, my mom, my town and go out on my own. I can't wait to make my own mistakes. I can't wait to have to do my own groceries and clean my own dorm and just finally be on my own. Well today I finally figured out what I'm terrified of.

I'm so scared of leaving my best friend. She's not my mom, she's not my boyfriend (if I had one), she's not my sister, but she's the one that I don't wanna leave. I know this might sound weird or whatever, but I can feel myself be a better person when I'm around her. We have like a year and a half left together, then what? I leave (because I can't wait to get the hell outta here.) and I forget about her? NO! Not ever. What do we do? How do we stay best friends? How can I be the best person that I can be without her by my side, because I am that better person when I'm around her. I honestly don't think that we've ever been more than a few days without talking to each other. The longest we've been without seeing each other is a few weeks during the summer. And even then we were on webcam a few times. I mean sure I've lived just fine without her before, but to go on with my life without her? I just can't see it. I know that we both have to do what's best for us, and I know that that means that we'll most likely be separated but I just don't know how to deal with that. She's the one that I run to. When things go wrong, I talk to her about it and they seem ok again. I don't talk to my mom, I don't open up that much to my cousin (who's like my sister), I run to my best friend. She's the only one outside my family who's seen me cry, and even then that doesn't really count because she is family to me. When things get rough - and I know that they will - how am I supposed to get through them without her by my side? When things go good I share them with her. When I have good news, she's the first one to hear about it. She can tell when I'm bursting with excitement just by the look on my face. She knows me as well as I know myself and now I'm expected to live my life without her. So yea, I'm terrified of leaving her. Being alone doesn't scare me...being alone without my best friend does.

I read a quote the other day and it was perfect. It goes:

"Have you ever had someone who was like your soul mate, but in a best friend kind of way?" 

So I guess I finally figured out what scares me the most about growing up. I think that I'm this scared to lose my best friend because people that I love, people that I really care about have this reputation for leaving. They tend to go away. So I formed this habit of not caring anymore, of not letting myself open up, of not getting attached. But that all went out the window in the past year, and I'm just so scared that it's gonna come back and bite me in the ass. I'm scared that life is gonna say "did you forget what happens when you love someone?" I guess that I'm just gonna have to make the best of the times to come and wait and see what happens. But at least now, when someone asks, I can say that there is one thing that scares me about growing up.

Insight...

Most of the people who aren't writers can't quite wrap their heads around why we do it. Why writing's so important to us. I came across an article that I pretty much fell in love with. I find that it describes everything so perfectly. It describes exactly how I feel about my writing and in a way, exactly why I have such a passion for it. It's just so perfect that I have to share it with you: 

"For many of us, our work is not just our work, it's who we are. We write as an extension of our living. As we give voice to characters or explain how things work, we are figuring out the world, what we believe, and how we fit. Because of this, writers can be emotional about their writing. So many of us come to our work riddled with three emotions that experts say are not helpful: anxiety, sadness or anger. We worry about being good enough, we worry that other writers are doing better, we get sad when our work is overlooked, we get angry at those who don't respect us and on and on it goes. Who can write with that kind of drama playing out in our heads?

On top of that, frenzy also shows up as the nasty inner editor voice, often called gremlins. If you've ever tried to write or publish anything you know what the frenzy sounds like: "This won't be good enough to sell, I don't know how to do this, no one will buy this, I'm scared, I don't have the right words, I'm a loser, I should give up."

Now you know exactly why I love to write. 

Moving On

It's over. It's done. And I mean really, truly done. I've finished my novel. Really, truly finished it. It's printed out and everything, and there's someone reading it right now. My best friend has a huge piece of my heart between her hands. Those 207 pages, those 117 111 words mean more to me than she'll ever know; more than anyone will ever know.

I don't think I've ever felt a such a sense of accomplishment like the one I felt when I finally printed out that last page. When I finally finished editing that last page. When I finally wrote down that last sentence; that last word. It's a feeling that I never want to forget, because I think that it'll be my driving force. Not just for writing, but for everything. When I feel like I want to give up (because let's face it I give up very easily) maybe now I'll try a little harder because I'll remember what it feels like to accomplish something that I've put so, so much effort into.

Since life seems to love keeping me busy, I had just settled down from my NaNoWriMo experience, when I got swept up into yet another contest, Poetry in Voice. And I think that this has plenty more new things to teach me. Maybe if I win, I'll gain a little more confidence. Maybe if I lose, I'll learn to accept things easier. But I really want to win this. I don't think I've wanted to win anything more than I want to win this. Just to be able to say that I've amounted to something in my high school years. That I've done something worthy of being noted. So now instead of writing, I'm focusing on being the voice of what others have written. When I read these poems, I can make them my own. I can put anger where others normally wouldn't have seen anger, or hope where others would've seen sorrow. I get to be the voice of someone's passion, I get to keep their words alive. As a writer, there'd be nothing in the world more rewarding than having someone bringing what I wrote to life hundreds of years later. If anything, this is gonna change how much I appreciate not only my writing, but others' writing as well. And I'm so excited to see what's gonna come of all of this.