Just a little over half of the month has already passed. I can't believe it. My novel is going great, I really hope I finish it on time, or just finish it at all. But I'm pretty motivated and the more I write it to more I love it. Yet something's holding me back. I know exactly what it is. It's fear. I'm actually scared to finish this novel. I'm terrified to have a stack of papers in front of me as proof of all my hard work. Why? Because it means that now, for the first time, people get to judge me on something that truly matters to me. I'm putting my heart and soul into this novel and what if no one likes it? What if I fall flat on my face? All this hard work, all these words written for nothing. Then on the other hand, what if I finish it and people like it? What am I supposed to do then? Do I write something else? What do I do with my time? Or what if I finish this and I start editing it and realize that I don't like. That it's all crap. Then all my work just goes down the drain. You see achieving your dreams can be a beautiful thing, but it's terrifying. It takes courage, guts, sweat, tears, hard work and so on. You have to give it your all with the risk of failing and ending up with nothing except a broken heart and no pride. You have to deal with people saying "I told you that you couldn't do it.". I'm just scared that I'll fall so hard that I won't be able to get back up and try again. I realized that I'm actually really fragile and I take things at heart. I have had the experience of having someone basically tell me that my writing's crap. What's even worse is that this was a teacher. I had given her a piece of my heart and a piece of my life on paper and she walked all over it and threw it away. It broke me. At first I was just mad and frustrated because it felt as if she didn't get me as a writer. Then I started thinking well what if it's not her, what if it's me? What if my writing actually is crap? In those few seconds that it took for those thoughts to enter my head, they had managed to destroy what little confidence I had. I was sure that I was the problem, that I had gotten this ridiculous grade because I couldn't write (did I mention that all of this is because of a five stanza poem?) and not because I had a stupid teacher. Well that was the end of me. I broke down, I mean like full out emotional meltdown. It was so bad that I actually barely even remember half of the things that I said. What I do remember though was that I was sitting on the bus, beside my best friend and I asked her "If I'm not a writer, then who am I?". I was sure that this was the end of me. I was sure that I was now completely worthless to the world. I was just a waste of space because my poem was "repetitive" and had a few grammar mistakes. I honestly don't remember what she told me, I do remember though that as soon as those words left my mouth, the first tears left my eyes. I couldn't stop them. I was that upset over this. I remember crying almost all the way home. I remember that I thought that my friend had done a good job at making me feel better. By the time she got off the bus I was mad again, which is always better than crying. Later on that night I got an email with a document attached to it. This email brought tears to my eyes. Because it told me that one of the most important people in my life believed in me. I had to go into my room to read it because I had started crying. Here's what it said:
I figured
since you’re really upset and down on yourself right now, I would write you
this letter to try and lift your spirits. I know I tried to on the bus, but
personally I think I could have done a better job. I don’t know why but I find
I comfort better through written pieces.
Anyways, I
hope you know that you are an amazing writer no matter what that note says. All
great writers sometimes have to deal with people not appreciating or
understanding their work, it’s just the way life is but in no way does it make
them less of a writer. I did a bit of research and I found out that many
amazing writers were turned down in their life for their work. For example, Dr
Seuss and C.S. Lewis (wrote the Narnia books) but they never gave up on their
dreams and I’m glad they didn't cause then my favorite series of books wouldn't exist. I hope that what happened today doesn't make you doubt your
dreams because who knows you may write the next best selling series of books.
Even The Diary of Anne Frank got rejected by certain editors.
I
understand that it can be hard to share with someone who has no meaning to you
a piece of your life and a piece of your heart and have them walk all over it
like its nothing. But just because that person can’t understand it, doesn't mean that it’s nothing, something made you write what you did and feel how you
felt which means it is something.
I've been
thinking about what you said on the bus ‘If I’m not a writer, then who am I?’.
If you weren't a writer, you would be Emily, my best friend. You know what?
There’s nothing wrong with that because she’s the nicest, loyal, most
compassionate person I know. She has a heart of gold for those who are lucky
enough to be a part of it. She can make me laugh and is always there for me. She’s
the type of person I wish I could be. Also, if my best friend Emily couldn't write, she would still be extremely smart and a musician and funny and
beautiful inside out and my guardian angel and I would love her just as much
and so would everyone else. It isn't our talents or what we can do that defines
us but what we chose to do and how we chose to live when we are in possession
of those talents and when we aren't.
Maybe
someone didn't understand you’re writing but trust me, in no way does it take
away from your talent or who you are. For what it’s worth, I still think that
you are in incredible writer, I’m still gonna read your blog and check your
twitter every day and wait patiently for your story don’t you
ever doubt for one second if you’re a good writer cause you are.
So I hope
this letter makes you feel a little better. I’m sorry I couldn't tell you this
to your face on the bus, I should have, I knew what I wanted to say but you
always think of these things when you’re sitting alone at home.
Love you
lots,
This is so important to me, because it brings me to the second point of this post. My best friend's the only one who's ever told me that I could do it, that she believed in me. I've never heard those words from my mom or my grandma. And sometimes it's tiring to just encourage myself and tell myself that I can do it. Because honestly, sometimes I feel like a liar, or a broken record. What if I keep telling myself that I can do it and then I get to the point where I'm realizing my dreams and then I fail. If I do, I've just been lying to myself this whole time. I've always said that no matter how though things get I'll stick with them, I'll stick with going towards my dreams. I'm still scared, terrified even. I think that I'll always doubt myself. I don't know how I'm gonna get through with my dreams, how I'm gonna push through this paralyzing fear. I just know that somewhere deep inside, there's something telling me that it's gonna be ok, eventually. This year I've had my first hit, my first knock down as a writer. I always thought that I would be able to deal with the rejection and I'm so happy that it happened when it did. Because I got knocked down when I had someone to pull me back up. Next time I might not be so lucky. Next time it might harder, it might be easier. I don't know. And that scares me. In order to over come this fear of failing, and of succeeding, I'll share my novel progress with you. So far, I have 45 366 words, 81 pages, and counting. And if you're really interested, here's my link to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/twistoflily in case you'd like to check out my profile etc etc. I even have a little snippet of my novel up. And maybe when this is all over, I'll post my novel here. That's a lot more risky considering that people might actually read it on here and I'm exposing myself to more judgements and criticisms. So we'll just have to see how it all goes.
